Like everyone else in my life.

Every time someone comes into my life and gets too close to me, I always push them away. I do so because I don’t want to hurt them. I’m too scared to do so. So I just push them all away and isolate myself with my problems and I refuse everyone’s help. I don’t want to keep pushing everyone away. But I feel as if it’s the only way to prevent more people from getting hurt.

That feeling of not knowing why you’re so down. It’s time for me to start pushing everyone away from my life and ruin more friendships. This is the worse of me. Then I don’t ever feel like doing anything but just trapping myself in my room all day doing nothing. It’s pretty horrible. And it’s such a sickening feeling since I don’t know how to save myself.

I don’t even know.
Depression sucks.

Sorry if I push you away. You don’t have to come back.

And I’m sorry.

Sometimes, all you ever want is someone to be there, and sometimes, you want something so bad that you can’t help but explode, leaving a path of destruction of what once was good. 

There are so many things that I wish to change. However, I can’t because it’s out of my power to do so. I would take back all the mistakes that I’ve made, and go fix each of them. But I can only do so much.

I’m only one person. And people expect me to do everything for them - leaving this overwhelming weight on my shoulders. Every time I say no, they all guilt-trip me into it. I don’t know what to do but to just accept it.

One day, I’ll finally live for myself.

So I’m sorry if I’m not the perfect person you once thought I was. But I’m tired of living up to your standards. 

Autophobia: The fear of being alone.

I go insane and my mind disappears into someplace unknown, slowly killing me inside - ruining the little hope that I have left.

I push people away when they get too close to me.

And I can’t help it. Just the fear of me disappointing the other people gets to me so much that I cannot hold on to people so closely. 

The thing is, I mess up so much. And maybe that’s why I’ve gotten into the habit of saying sorry.

I’m never going to be able to show my affection for someone because I’m so scared of getting hurt that my body doesn’t even allow me to try.  

What am I suppose to do? What do I say? I don’t know what to do.

I miss that stability I had on my life that I once had.

I really hate it when people say they’re being gay or they’re being raped.

1. You shouldn’t make fun of people like that.

2. You don’t know what it’s like to be raped.

3. There are a million other words in the world to use. 

I’m sorry. And I don’t know how to fix all this. But it’s all so frustrating. I don’t know what the right things to say are, how to stop messing everything up. I miss how we used to be; now we barely talk. And if we do, our conversations go nowhere. I’m sorry it’s all my fault. And don’t say it’s not because it is. Honestly, there was a point where you were everything I ever wanted. I genuinely wanted you and waiting for you to come back from soccer was a pain. I’d talk about you so much and everyone could see that I finally found some peace in my life. And now I don’t know where you stand. It’s so frustrating that I’m actually crying over this, that I’m staying up late just to think about it.

But I can’t keep having our friendship be like this. Because it actually hurts me when you don’t respond or when you don’t even seem like you want to talk to me. Yes, I’ve been busy. And I’m sorry for that. But you were busy when you had soccer and work and everything and I accepted it.

I can’t have a friendship like this. A friendship shouldn’t hurt. I don’t know what to do. I just wish I could fix it but I don’t know how. So when you don’t want to talk, tell me. When you’re tired of me, tell me. Then at least I’d know.

Should I even care? I don’t even know. It’s all so confusing.
I don’t know where to go from here - run away, stay. So many thing that I want to do but I can because I’m so restricted. People just ruining me. My thoughts, my heart - it’s all a wreck.

So now, I’m not going to care.

How much you actually mean to me. How I want to be with you night & day. How happy you make me feel. To wake up knowing I can see or talk to you about anything. I love how you’re always there for me when I’m in need to help. How in a matter of seconds you can change my terrible mood to a wonderful one. Behind any of your flaws I find perfection in them. There are thousands of reasons why I love you & the love I have for you will continue to grow with the time we have together. 

You’re so special to me, I can’t lose you. It’s simply really, I love you.